Life simply is.

I have spent a long time under the thumbs of people who don’t even like me. I have spent time being told I’m fat and ugly. I have been told how awful I am. My family crushing me under the weight of my own skin. My own walls making the atmosphere thin. I haven’t spent a day in my own skin when I have called myself beautiful.

No one supported me when I was weak and frail. I fed myself and clothed myself. I got up in time. I did my home work and chores. I knew what would happen. Hands, fists, wooden spoons, plates; all connecting with my skin. At the end of the day I cover my bruises. My pain. No one sees me.

I thought a boy liked when I was 14. I was wrong. Just like my mother had treated me. Chains around my neck. Yanking me. Hands on my thighs. I couldn’t stop him with my eyes. So I scream. But the scream is empty air. Nothing is there. No one is there. In a closet I sit.

My my mind is liquid alcohol. Washing back and forth. I needed someone. I became that person. Don’t touch me I am my own woman. I stand tall. I keep myself happy. Don’t come near me. I am me. I have walls. Yet again. They reach for me. Covering me. I can’t let them close me in.

watching mother fight father. Not my real father. Get out! Life is not this. Life is not drugs. Life is not rape.

Love and passion in your voice. You pull me from my dreams. Tenderly kiss my forhead. You say you love me.

I saw you.

Trigger warning.

I was raped. If you have been and you get triggered by this there is a warning.

When I saw you  I ran.

I was scared.

my heart started beating faster.

My ears began to ring so loud it was almost like hearing nothing.

you watched me.

You knew.

It it all flooded back.

My eyes betray me.

Like a looping movie.

I can feel how bad it hurt.

I can still hear yelling.

I wanted you to stop.

But you wouldn’t get off .

you just wanted to get off.

 

 

Your feelings and heart.

It feels like your heart was literally ripped from your chest.

And now all that is left is this empty mess.

And it feels like your body is just holding an empty void.

You force yourself to smile and to feel every day.

But the pain is causing you to feel numb and drained.

Inside there’s a wreck of clashing things.

They try so hard to break free.

But in the end they know nothing at all.

Pain isn’t just here.

Instead it floats around in it’s own space.

Taking the form of the most commonly known.

Your heart is gone.

 

Whores a crowd

We all have our ups and our downs.

We all have our to dos and our todas.

We have snake like criticizing tongues.

Snapping at one another’s accomplishments.

We all have the feeding need for attention.

Good or bad.

Life as we see backwards

I wrote this January 13, 2014.

 

Life.

It’s a motion picture of sorts.

Catching memories at perfect angles.

Seeing emotion.

Pain.

Some days the tears don’t fall.

But others, it’s like a rain storm.

Surrounding you, trapping you.

This isnt a game.

This is how things work.

Shedding the skin thought to have.

As life goes on, things start to imprint.

On you.

Changing a still, silent person.

Into a beautiful flower.

Or a dark heart.

Life twists.

Life turns.

But mostly life is meant to live.

To be careless.

To come as it wants.

Life is a never ending path.

We al must travel down.

Speak my mind

Speak my mind?

What for?

So you can ignore.

So I can pretend?

You want me, you say.

Not when all you think of is her.

You talk to her.

All the time.

You talk about her.

All the time.

Im open if you come back.

But you aren’t comming back.

Loving you

Loving you is like a long breath of air.

I take it all in.

Not sure of what to expect.

You are my one and only.

Some days we fight.

Some days we kiss.

Some days we are lazy.

I can’t help but love you.

Endlessly.

Loving you is like a sweet symphony.

Building to the climax.

we will be eternal.

We will be infinat.

Sick

I am so sick of being sick.

It’s not even funny.

I almost died a few months back.

And now.

I have tonsillitis.

Who in the fuck gets that!?

How in the fuck?

Then on top of it I can’t be a woman and bleed properly once a month.

Is my body against me?

No period.

Two months.

Then BAM!

Rabdom bleeding.

I keep telling myself it’s okay.

It’s fine.

But I’m scaree something big is coming.

Family truths

It doesn’t matter how hard I try.

Or what I do.

Nothing is ever good enough for you.

I always push.

I always fight.

You don’t seem to understand my might.

You don’t listen.

And ignore my side.

I don’t even see why I try.

Anger festers, pesters, and falls.

You may be family,

but you don’t know it all.